In the last three months of 2020 I lost two close family members.
My dear Uncle (and Godfather) in October and my wonderful Grandad in December who sadly passed away on the evening of my 40th birthday.
I’ve gone through the motions in the immediate days afterwards - helping with arrangements where I could, writing down memories, looking at photos old and new and circulating them amongst our family, going to the funeral, reminiscing fondly and exchanging stories about our times with them. To an extent I was on autopilot until the reality of the situation set in.
But grief hits you in the little moments. The tiny reminders in the days and weeks afterwards that someone is no longer here:
Receiving a birthday or Christmas card and seeing one name written instead of two
Dialling a number and seeing two names pop up on your phone where now there is only one at home
Thinking ahead to events in the future and realising they’re not going to be there
Scrolling through photos on your phone and an unexpected photo of them flashes up and takes your breath away
Transferring birthdays into your new 2021 diary and writing their names down but this time with a heart next to them
As a family we’re still riding the waves of our losses. And I’ve never had to lean on gratitude more than I have in the last three months:
I’m grateful for the many, many years that we had together (my Uncle was 83 and my Grandad 95)
I’m grateful that my children got to know their Great-Grandad and Great-Uncle. And not just know them but play with them - you could see everyone’s eyes light up when they were together
I’m grateful for all the times we spent together in my childhood and all the amazing memories we made
I’m grateful that my Uncle took me to the ballet and the opera, that he always had an interesting tale to tell, that he taught me to always be open to learning something new and taught me to not take life too seriously
I’m grateful that my Grandad modelled and taught me some of the most important family values, that he always had time to let me show off my latest hobby and that he was always there for us
I’m grateful that during these challenging times our family were able to be there in their final moments and come together to celebrate their lives
As the weeks pass I know each day will get easier and I’m slowly moving from raw grief to gratitude for their lives 🤎