In conversation with Hayley Southwood

Welcome to the very first of the ‘Slow Stories’ interview series.

It feels so fitting to have Hayley Southwood as my first guest on the blog. She’s a serial entrepreneur, owner of Southwood Living and creator of Southwood Social Hub; a community of 250 women lifting each other and supporting each other daily. Over the past 18 months Hayley has been on her own wellbeing journey which has seen her make big changes personally and professionally and it’s been so inspiring to watch.

So settle down with a cuppa and picture the scene - it’s Tuesday 18th August 2020 and it’s a beautifully sunny day. We’re having our socially-distanced chat in Hayley’s gorgeous garden and there are birds tweeting, chickens clucking and the occasional horse neighing in the background. Hayley calls her husband Paul to bring some tea bags out for us and he strolls over with them. This honestly couldn’t be more of an idyllic setting for a chat all about prioritising ourselves and finding balance.

After making me a cup of tea in her outdoor kitchen, we sit down and get straight into it….

Helen B: If I was sat here 18 months ago would there be a different Hayley Southwood sat in front of me?

Hayley S: There’s always a different Hayley Southwood. It wouldn’t matter if it was 2 weeks’ time or 4 weeks’ time because I don’t think I’m ever the same. And that’s what I love about life. I don’t think I’m the same as yesterday. Actually my son Jake said to me yesterday ‘You’re always up-levelling’ and that’s part of who I am. This part of my journey is up-levelling in a completely different way.

HB: So how does up-levelling now look different to how you might have up-levelled in the past?

HS: It’s about taking control for myself, stepping into a new chapter for me. Life always has twists and turns and that’s ok. I deal with life better when it’s not mundane and on one level. I think I’ve programmed myself to be in ‘survival mode’, the whole fight or flight. And I think that’s how I survived life as a kid and being really resilient, but there’s times when it has become too much.

HB: Yes, and then it has an impact on other parts of your life, which we’ll talk about I’m sure.

Hayley talks about how 18 months ago her body was screaming at her and how she started craving yoga, something she’d never enjoyed in the past…

HS: 18 months ago I felt like I was craving something and I didn’t really know what that was or how to describe it. I just felt like I need to do some yoga… and I hate yoga! So I got in touch with Marisela Ream to do some 1:1 yoga with her. And then it was only literally a few weeks after that when I found out that I had an abscess. And I felt like my body was screaming at me to pause...

I’ve tried yoga every year since I was 18 and I never stick at it. Because it goes against everything that I’d programmed my brain to do. I felt like sitting still equals wasting time. It was always about time for me. Which in 18 months, the work I’ve done, my mindset is now completely different. My body was craving it but my head was saying I didn’t want to give my time to it.

As the yoga was in my home and there was no competitiveness of being in a gym, no-one was looking at me, it felt different this time.  I just felt like I was being drawn to stuff and I didn’t know why, but my body was telling me to do it. And I felt so tired, so exhausted leading up to that. Mentally exhausted and tired.

PAUSE

We start to talk about the pressure that women put themselves under. And how women often reach breaking point before pressing the pause button…

HS: It’s because we put so much pressure on ourselves as women. We are responsible for ourselves and we’re the ones who put pressure on ourselves – no-one else. I’ve got the most loving husband…

HB: Who brings cups of tea outside….

HS: {Laughs} Yeah. He would never put pressure on me. All the pressure comes from me. All the goals, all the things I want to do, it’s all driven by me. And I think we do that as women because we want to be great at everything – we want to be great mums, look after everyone. Socially we have so much pressure as well – proving more, working harder, doing 500 jobs… None of us want to get ill because we’re not listening to the signs, or we don’t know how to listen to the signs our body is telling us. We all need a bit of educating. 

HB: Completely. For me, pressing pause was all about the basics of self-care: sleep, nutrition, breath. How important have those basic things been for you?

HS: Yeah, major. The more I stopped, the more I realised that I had shallow-breathed all my life. I didn’t even take a breath in, I was just running on adrenaline. Which has served me well. I’ve had a really tough childhood, I lost my mum and there have been lots of traumatic times in my life and it’s the ‘survival mode’ that’s served me well. I’m really resilient and that’s great. But it became a point I suppose where I thought it can’t carry on at this rate. And I’m getting older too – I’m 44. Maybe it was too much, my age, my hormones, everything’s kicking in at the same time.

I just knew it was too much and I knew there had to be another way.

HB: Yes, exactly, there is another way of living. So what changes did you put in place first?

HS: So yoga first, then I was really drawn to essential oils. I liked that it was something I could touch that was tangible that I can use to help me. I was really scared and I don’t think I’ve ever felt so fearful because I  didn’t really know how I felt. So I was learning to know how I ACTUALLY felt. Because I was so good at running on adrenaline and not really stopping to recognise how I really, really felt underneath. Although I’m really sensitive, it was always about other people. But when it came to me, well it felt like ‘I don’t have time for that’.

HB: Because then it’s a case of knowing you and what you need.

HS: Yeah, it’s up-levelling on a completely different level. On a level that people don’t really talk about. It’s not goal-driven. This whole thing about being busy and productive and changing your life it’s very tangible. Suddenly when you talk about something that’s very personal to you, and everyone’s story is so individual, it’s really hard to put that into words and recognise it yourself.

HB: And also knowing where to start!

HS: Exactly, where do you go? The thing is, I wouldn’t have gone to a GP about how I felt because I didn’t even know how I felt. It’s about treating our whole body holistically and recognising that we need something different…

HB: And I think being open to exploring these new things too….

HS: Yep, I think I was in a really lucky position because of the Hub (Southwood Social Hub).. I’m always in awe of any woman is living their own life and choosing their own path, but I don’t think I connected on the level that I used their services. So all of a sudden the Hub became a place where I could access lots of resources. And I felt a lot more drawn to women who are holistic practitioners in the community which I hadn’t before. So that was lucky, I don’t know where I would have turned otherwise…

HB: That’s so great that you had that at your fingertips. And I guess what’s interesting is that it was always available to you…

HS:  Always! It’s a bit funny isn’t it, sometimes you don’t necessarily choose to do something until you need it or you suddenly see it differently. You see people differently. Sometimes you see someone and you think ‘that person’s a little but quieter’ but they’ve got so much to offer and you just didn’t see it before..

HB: And I think your awareness is heightened and your eyes are opened a bit more and you kinda go ‘I’m really drawn to you now’…

HS: Exactly, and I think it’s about going with your gut and I’ve always done that. And really going with my intuition.

SLOW

HB: So, I was going to ask you next about slowing down. Because after those pause moments it’s so tempting to get back into busy patterns…

HS: And the truth of it is that we have to – I have to run my businesses, I have to pay the mortgage, there are pressures on me. But I’ve learned that I‘m in control of the amount of pressure I put on myself and I can now absolutely recognise the triggers or flags and then I know I have to deal with that. So if I feel that coming I’m going to sit in the tub or I’ll read my book or tell the kids I’m not cooking or I’m going to have an early night – all those tiny things.

HB: What signs do you actually get? Are they physical, in your head, exhaustion?

HS: I think for me it’s the feeling of rushing. If I can feel myself personally feel too rushed then I know I need to stat to take a breath, stop and say no to some things. And that’s where I wouldn’t have done that before. If someone said do you want to meet for coffee I felt like I owed it to them. So now I say no.

HB: And how does it feel when you say no?

HS: It’s great! It’s not a no forever, it’s just a case of ‘it’s not going to work for me right now and it isn’t good for me right now’ and that’s really hard for me, it’s not in my nature. And it protects you doesn’t it? It protects your time, your energy – everything on every level.

HB: And I know it’s a cliché but when you say no to some things then it’s actually saying yes to other things. So you’re saying no to other people and obligations, but actually you’re saying yes to you.

HS: Absolutely, and I’m sad that it’s taking me so long to discover that.

HB: I feel the same way. I’ve said so many times that I can’t believe it took me 39 years to realise that there is a different way of living. But do you feel like you had to have come through what you did to reach that point of realisation?

HS: Oh god yeah. And I’m really, really proud of my journey. I have created a life I love – I love what I do, I love my job, I love all of it. I just think at this moment in time, this is where I’m at age-wise, hormones, womanhood, motherhood. So I’m sad that I maybe didn’t spot the signs before because I didn’t want to get ill. But I feel like things just happen when they’re meant to. And I don’t regret any part of the journey.

HB: Yes, in some ways I’m grateful for the panic attacks that I had 18 months ago. Because it forced me to look at things differently…

HS: Yes, I wouldn’t be the person I am and I wouldn’t have given the kids the life they’ve had if I hadn’t have been through my experiences. And I’m really grateful for the very worst of it – my mum’s death was a horrendous journey and there’s plenty of other horrendous things that happened in our childhood that are traumatic but they’ve made me who I am. And I feel like this is just the next chapter.

We start to talk about gratitude and how it can be a great tool to put things into perspective…

HB: I’m a huge fan of using gratitude on an anxiety level to calm down and put things into perspective. Do you have any specific ways you weave gratitude into your day?

HS: It’s interesting because even when I was really young I had a scrapbook and I used to write things that I was grateful for and lists of things I would never do.  So I think it’s always been part of my survival kit. I think it’s how I got through stuff that was hard, without realising it. I wouldn’t have called it a ‘gratitude list’ I didn’t even know that was a thing. I remember washing up when the kids were really young and thinking I was so grateful for the garden, really truly. I think because we’d had such a tough time, it made me feel so grateful for Paul and our lives, even when it was tough, I could see that I was lucky, I felt really lucky. So I’ve always practiced that. I think I struggled when my mum died because I felt so angry. I’d always been so grateful so that was hard when you’re grieving…

HB: Oh absolutely. And I think in those moments it can be really hard to think of anything to be grateful for…

HS: Yeah and you have to work through it all. Our childhood was abusive and tough. And of course at the time you’re not grateful for it. But it’s only when I’m older that I’ve realise that I wouldn’t be the woman I am. I’ve said it over and over again that I don’t give a shit where anyone is from, their education, background, money, I don’t care because actually we all just want to be seen.

If I hadn’t been through what I’ve been through I know I wouldn’t see other women then way I do. That’s just part of my make-up and my gift to the world.

When I was young and I’d think what am I good at, what can I do, that was it! But it comes from only those experiences and everyone’s experiences are so personal to them. Good luck deciphering all this Helen! {Laughs}

HB: OK, so more of a practical question. What are your favourite ways to take time for you? And have you tried anything new?

HS: Yeah loads of new stuff. So since my abscess I’ve tried everything. I mean the first reiki session I went to I thought I was going for a facial…

HB: {Laughs} How did you think it was a facial?

HS: Because it was called a reiki facial and I thought I’d support Clare John (The Little Holistic Kitchen) and I knew it was a bit holistic but I didn’t know she wasn’t going to touch my face. I hadn’t done any research, typical Hayley in the fast lane not really listening or looking. And oh my god, A-MAZING! Incredible experience. So yes I’ve done reiki, going to women’s circles, day retreats, meditation. Meditation has become the most important part of my life really – knowing how to take time for myself. It’s literally for absolutely no-one else but myself.

HB: Which are the things that have become habits?

HS: Being on the mat. Oh god, it’s just so valuable to me. Even if it’s 5 mins or 20 mins, I wake up in the morning and I created a little space – because everything for me needs to be visually pleasing to the eye – so it looks calm, I’ve got my crystals, I sit on my mat, I meditate and it’s just the only time that I’m not pleasing someone else. Even if you think you’re not pleasing people all the time you are – in terms of what do they expect me to say, how am I supposed to stand – all those thoughts that flow in and out of our brains. So being on the mat meditating is is truly the only time that I’m in my own space in my own heart.

HB: Do you use anything to help guide you?

HS: I’ve tried a few resources but I needed to make meditation my own. I tried to find people who were quite modern to start with. I used the Calm app, we tried the Miracle Mornings. I love a lady called Meredith Gunderson – she teaches you how to meditate on your own. Because for me I don’t want to use an app all the time because it’s a device in the room with notifications pinging… So for me it’s about complete silence. (Right on cue some chickens cluck in the background!). I’m working with a coach at the moment called Matt Taylor – he was one of the practitioners at Kate Taylor’s online day retreat and he was amazing. He’s not goal-driven, it’s all about our souls, he does amazing personalised meditations so I take time to do those once a fortnight.

HB: And what does meditation do for you?

HS: My own personal meditation in the morning is about starting the day my way. I’m addicted to my phone – the amazing side of it is that I run all my businesses through it, it’s given me a voice and absolutely helped me in becoming successful in business. But the downside is that I find it really, really hard to switch off. It takes up my time. So starting my day with meditation means that I’m in control. I sit on my mat and sometimes I get ideas, sometimes I have nothing, I find it really easy to empty my brain, I love that feeling when there’s nothing. That feeling is the feeling I find hardest to explain. When everything is just empty, I love the feeling of nothing, there’s nothing.

HB: I don’t think I’ve reached that stage yet… I’ve got more work to do on the mat!

CONNECT

HB: In what ways do you connect to yourself and know what you need?

HS: Connection is one of those words that’s so, so important to me. I’ve always wanted to be deeply connected to people but I found it really hard to be deeply connected to myself. And I think it was about protecting myself from how I really felt. Peeling those onion layers is really, really hard and I used to feel really scared about that.

HB: So in some ways it’s easier not to do it…

HS: Definitely. I definitely was protecting myself. And I didn’t really understand that until the last 18 months of doing different sorts of work that I had that stuck on quite tightly. And it is hard – all the work on myself I’ve done over the last 18 months has revealed stuff where I don’t really want to go there. And stuff about myself. I’ve blamed my parents most of my life and suddenly it’s about taking responsibility and that’s quite hard.

HB: So when it gets hard and you get those moments when you think it’s uncovering an emotion that you don’t want to feel , do you lean into it or, have you ever thought “I don’t want to go there, I’ll just keep busy…”

HS: I definitely lean into it. I don’t think I would have even got to this sort of level in the past. I would’ve been like “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I go to the gym to keep skinny and be a size 10, I don’t go to the gym to switch off, why would you want to switch off?”. You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been on a holiday when I enjoyed it.

HB: Yes I remember you saying that you weren’t a holiday person

HS: No I’m not!

HB: So are you now?

HS: I don’t know, I don’t think I’ve got to that stage yet… I don’t know if I could do two weeks! But I’m so drawn to being in calm spaces. I’m seeing things so differently. I really want to be on my own, I really want to be with Paul. I’m enjoying thing like just having my feet on the ground. And when people used to say things like this Helen I used to think ‘what a heap of shit’, honestly I did! I used to think “What are you talking about. Come on get a grip and let’s make the world different, life’s so short blah blah blah.” And it was the only way I saw to make that happen was to be fast and furious. It was all about time.

I felt like I was wasting time whereas now I feel like I’m enjoying time.

HB: YES!

HS: My feet are on the ground, my toes touch the grass, we’ll have a fire outside, we’ll just sit and chat. It’s almost like I can actually be IN in rather than being an observer. And now I feel like I’ve so learnt how to enjoy stillness over the last 18 months. That actually the world is still going to turn and everything will be ok and you can let someone help you. That whole thing about asking for help is huge. Because we’re so programmed to think we have to do everything on our own but we don’t have to.

HB: Yes, and I’ve seen the goodness and kindness in people more than I ever have since I’ve slowed down too. It’s strange because I knew it was always there but I don’t think I was living life at a slow enough pace to really see it. Once you’re showing gratitude and being kind to others and doing things selflessly, you get it back ten-fold.

HS: Yeah I think you get back everything you put out, whatever the energy. I’ve always known that I can change the energy of a room. For me it’s been about finding peace and finding balance. So it’s not necessarily about taking the foot off the gas, it’s about recognising when I’m out of balance or when I need grounding. And I can put my feet on the ground, do some breath work and take that time. Time isn’t going to run away, I can enjoy the moments rather than working for the next goal.

HB: Completely, because you’ve seen the benefits of a different pace now.

HS: Oh gosh, I feel completely richer for it. I can recognise when I feel out of balance and I know how to realign myself. I think that’s the difference. And I’ve got the tools to do it now. So whether that be that I reach for an oil or I sit on my mat or I take my shoes and socks off and stand in my garden. They’re tiny, they only have to be tiny things. But I can do them in a second.

HB: And they’re accessible to anyone….

HS: Yes, anybody, everybody. We can take our shoes and socks off and stand on the ground. We can take a breath. There are so many free resources available to us…

HB: Which is important to remember because I think the whole wellness world can feel quite daunting at first. “Where do I start? I’m not an expert. Am I doing it right?” etc….

HS: Yeah, it’s so overwhelming – “Am I doing it right, I’m not doing enough, oh my god I need to go to a class, I need to go to a workshop.” It’s almost reprogramming our minds to get out of that hamster wheel and getting to enjoy those tiny things and finding those tiny tools that can heal and rebalance us. And they’re completely different for everybody.

HB: Totally. And I know for me it was about trying lots of things and finding what worked for me. I wanted to ask you – whose work have you connected with? And who’s inspired you? Share the love…

HS: I love Lisa Pauley for her sound baths, they’re amazing, and her essential oil knowledge is incredible. Clare Johns for reiki. Lexie Wrightson – reiki and her goddess circles. Victoria Young – for her take on life and she’s given me so many resources to look up and different ways of thinking. I’ve connected with Ellen Tristram in the hub – her business is baby wraps but her whole philosophy is about being calm and peaceful and the whole process is so meditative. So spending time around her, she’s got a lovely vibe. I’m worried I miss anyone out! Kate Taylor I adore. Matt Taylor.

HB: A question about slipping back into old habits – how do you make sure you stay on track?

HS: Oh god, I’ll always slip back into old habits and it’s served me well. And for me it’s not about not revisiting the old habits cos I like who I am and who I was. I just feel like I need to spot the signs. So when I feel too tired or I’m not drinking enough water, I can actually feel it. And I think using essential oils was the first time I realised that I knew how I felt. I remember Lisa (Pauley) used to say ‘Which oil do you feel drawn to?’ and I didn’t feel drawn to anything. I felt numb. So I feel like using the oils has really helped me know how I feel and what I need intuitively. And I know the people that I need to be around and sometimes when I don’t need to be around certain people. I can actually take myself away whereas I would never, ever have done that in the past. I think I was just so numb to everything. And now I’m much more in tune.

It’s about recognising when I need to take a bit of time. Because I was always rushing and trying to get things done faster and quicker. But I AM in control of my time and I can decide if I don’t want to do something or if I don’t feel good. And it’s really stupid because when I first started meditating, I’d wake up in the morning and I’d feel guilty that I’d be going off to my own room for 10 minutes. Be he didn’t give a shit! He wouldn’t notice if I’m there or not, but I had this womanly, motherly, whatever it is feeling like I have to serve everyone all the time. They don’t care. It was only ME that was feeling the guilt. It’s about taking that time for yourself and not worrying about the things that no-ones else is worried about anyway!

HB: It’s a great habit you’ve got into with that daily practice and it goes into permission doesn’t it – allowing yourself that time because you’ve seen the benefits. 

HS: Yeah and I’ve always needed permission. I remember when I was grieving I was working, working, working. And it wasn’t until a Macmillan nurse actually took my hand and said ‘I give you permission to stop work.” It’s a bit like that – like saying to all women you have permission to go for that walk on your own, you have permission to lock the bathroom door, you have permission to have a wee without the kids at your ankles, you don’t have to feel guilty for that. All my guilt comes from me and we feel like we have to keep serving everybody. And leave ourselves…

HB: ….to the bottom of the pile…

HS: …. if you’re lucky enough to even make it onto the pile!

RECLAIM

HB: We’ve talked about balance being especially hard for women. Like a lot of women you’re a mother, a business owner, you wear lots of hats. So how do you now balance the different aspects of your life? And how do you reset things when it gets too hectic?

HS: I really love my bullet journal which is a great tool, I learned the technique from Cate Hamilton. I tried it years ago but I felt under pressure again to make it beautiful. So I thought “fuck that we’ve just gone back to another pressure!” But it’s completely revolutionised how I balance things and it’s a tool that’s right up there for me with essential oils and all the other stuff. I have one book so I just feel together. Because I can see it visually it helps. And I’m totally ok now if things don’t get done. I think because I do so much and I’m completely based at home, it’s all in one place and I can see my whole life mapped out in one book.

HB: That sounds very organised!

HS: …and I’m not! I always feel like the most un-organised person in the world. But I schedule ‘me time’ in now. I will give time to things that I wouldn’t have thought were important before – I schedule them in as actual meetings. There’s just so much more in my diary now that’s for me – whether it’s a circle, or a reiki session. But they’re for me and before I wouldn’t have done that.

HB: And I guess that’s because you’ve seen the value in those things?

HS: Definitely. And it actually all makes me a better businesswoman. So in turn all that stuff makes me much calmer, more organised, gives me clarity and control.

HB:  Control is such a big thing when you’re feeling overwhelmed too.

HS: Overwhelm is massive. And I think when you’re multi-hyphen, when you do many different things, it’s really easy to become unbalanced and overwhelmed. I think I spent a lot of time, and I did it well considering, of holding everything in my head.

HB: But isn’t it funny how a lot of these tools that we’re talking about are the basics – writing, breathing, drinking more water…

HS: Yes they’re all basics! Meditating, nature, writing things down…

HB: And boundaries too. What are the boundaries for you that are non-negotiable?

HS: I don’t know Helen I’m not very good at boundaries, it’s something I’m still working on! {laughs} I wouldn’t say I’m great at any boundaries yet. I love the women in my community so I do find it hard to switch off and protect my own boundaries. But I admire people who are really good at it.

HB: Yes and you don’t think any less of them for having boundaries do you?

HS: No absolutely not. And it makes you calmer, you’re not making snap decisions, you’re thinking about how you feel. It’s definitely something I’m working on, I can’t say I’ve got that one mastered, but I’m really trying…We’re all human hey! {laughs}

HB: Totally! Has your approach to work changed after doing all this work on yourself?

HS: I don’t think so. I run the businesses the same it just means that I’m not going to burnout or get ill. I know I can stop and step away a little bit. I think it’s made me a better business person and helps me shine my light brighter.

I hope it gives me MORE – more strength, more ability to really see people and make people more comfortable and feel more at ease.

HB: I think your businesses feel a lot more heart-centered now, you can really see and feel that.

HS: Yes that’s definitely true. The shop has always been about my journey so I changed it earlier this year so it is more about balance and wholeness, not just focused on goals. I wanted them to be a lot more heart-centered. I’ve never really felt comfortable with the hustle mentality anyway, but I’ve just turned the volume up on the other areas. I just want everything to be deeper, connecting on a deeper level.

HB: And I think you’re in a powerful position with your community of women to be able to turn up the volume on our own needs.

HS: Totally. 10 years ago I was all about goals and being financially stable. And all that stuff we need. But it’s realising that YOU are valuable – your whole person is important. It’s not all about just one aspect of you. It’s about wholeness…

HB: Which is why I love the word wholeness..

HS: Do you know that ‘Wholeness’ was my word for 2020? Bloody 2020!!....

HB: Last question – what advice would you give someone who is starting to recognise that they need to slow down?

HS: I think if they’re reading this blog on this website then you’re probably already craving something. If you’ve been signposted here from somewhere else then I’d say stop and take a bit of time to look at your life and how you feel. Just dedicating a bit of time to yourself and how you really, really feel. Because that’s massive – peeling away those layers to uncover what’s underneath, even if it feels like you’ve been wearing an amour. By doing this work I know I’ve become a better person. It’s all a gift Helen, it’s a gift….

If you trust that it’s going to be ok, it will be ok.

And with those wise words we ended our conversation.

I’m so grateful to Hayley for her time, honesty and generosity with sharing her journey over the past 18 months and more. Her willingness to talk about the bad times as openly as the good times means that her stories always resonate with so many women.

Everything Hayley does is with her whole heart and with genuine care for the women around her. She’s a shining light when it comes to showing women that there is a different way to live life and I for one am so grateful for that.

For more info about Southwood Living: @southwoodliving

And for info about Southwood Social Hub: @southwoodsocialhub